Our loss...

So here goes it...I keep getting told putting it down into words will somehow help me cope with the pregnancy loss. I was so overjoyed to go in Tuesday to have my first dr appt this pregnancy and to have an ultrasound since that is common with our office first appt. I couldnt wait to see this precious baby. As we were being ultrasounded I watched the screen as our precious baby was there but over and over I heard no heartbeat...it was so hard to just wait for our dr to say anything. I watched as my husband's face went white with fear as so did mine. Never in my wildest dream did I think no heartbeat...I thought if I lost this baby I would bleed and then we would loss our baby but to think everything was fine and to go in and be crushed when I was expecting such happy news. Our little baby was two weeks underdeveloped so sometime she or he stopped developing. Then I felt so torn to pieces as they announced they couldnt find a heartbeat to only say it could be the machine and then directed us to the hospital to a ultrasound tech. I had to check into the hospital admission desk who were so cheerful and keep saying how it excited it was to get ultrasounds but the whole time I wanted to scream nothing was happy about my visit...I wasnt going to see my baby I was going to see them confirm my baby no longer had a heartbeat. As I watched what seemed like forever I was taken in to the ultrasound room where I couldnt even bear to look at the screen as they looked over and over for my baby's precious heartbeat. It seemed liked such a basic easy thing to do and yet over and over they cant find one...my little baby is gone. After 30 minutes the tech then called in a radiology guy to confirm the results. We lost our little baby...10 weeks 2 days after I started this pregnancy it is ripped from me. I think the hardest thing is knowing our baby is still in me completely perfect nothing looked wrong just stopped growing and has no heartbeat. We are praying to loss the baby on my own if not I am scheduled for a D & C at the hospital on August 10th...I pray it doesnt come to that as it scaries me to death! I never thought this would kill so much but seeing my baby on that ultrasound machine made everything so real and painful to watch it all lost so quick. I really miss my baby in heaven. I just wish I understood why more and how but no answers the doctors give me will ever bring back our angel. It hurts SO bad to look at my husband and feel all the pain that I lost our baby. He is just so amazing as he just does all he can for me. I know the lord is looking out for us but I just wish the pain would fade faster...I know time heals all things but I just cant imagine how that is possibe right now but I know it will. I feel dumb that this hurts so bad I wasnt far enough to feel my baby but I already miss it. I wish I was as strong as others I know who have lost theirs so much later and just go on with such amazing determination to not let it get them down maybe someday I will too but right now it feels like I am drowning with sorrow. I never knew I had this many tears in me ...I am not sure I have an ounce of liquid left to cry with. Then the worst part of all is sometime we have to break this sad news to our precious oldest two who are at Grandma & Grandpa Edwards house....Hunter would pray every night for his little sister to get to us and how badly he wanted a little sister. I think it hurts to know I have to tell him we lost his baby sister as he calls it...he is so precious and innocent ...I hope he understands. Well I think I have drained my heart to you all and whined enough I just needed to get this out and off my chest. I pray for the best and love you all. Thanks for all the sweet posts and calls and support you guys have given us without such great friends I wouldnt be able to make it this far. I love you all!
Love, Christi
UPDATE: We had a D & C August 10th. It was hard but fast to get over with. Labs show everything good and now we are just waiting for dr ok to try for another. We found out we were expecting a girl...so at least I know it is possible. Maybe pink will be in our future...if not I will just be so thrilled with a healthy full term baby!